Don't let the title fool you. I'm still so excited for college, but my excitement for Late Summer Honors has waned quite a bit. WARNING: this post may contain a high amount of negativity. Proceed with caution.
I really don't belong at Late Summer Honors. At least that's how I feel at the moment. I shouldn't even be thinking of trying to graduate with honors. University honors is for students who dominated their high school. I didn't. University honors is for students who never struggled academically. I did. University honors is for students who are driven and career-oriented and really really really smart. I'm not.
I haven't really found any great friends yet, or even the potential for great friends. I'm not alone, because I talk to everyone I see but I am very lonely. I just don't fit in with this group.
I try to participate in the discussion but I can't articulate my thoughts. Even my thoughts are unintelligent. I have nothing to contribute. I feel like I'm in Mr. Mohney's class again, with ideas flowing in circles but ultimately going nowhere. The difference is that in Mr. Mohney's class I had some decent ammunition. Here I have nothing.
After sleeping (for three hours) on it, I'm now mortified by that piece I wrote. It's pretentious and shallow and stupid, it doesn't say anything conclusive, and it's generally repetitive. I would delete it, but that's dishonest blogging. I really miss YASE right about now.
Anyway, I'm sure I'll get over it and end up having a great time. I'm doing what I can to listen and learn and I know in the end I'll get what I make of it. And I'll make it great. I'm just off to a rough start. Please pray. I'm praying and I need your prayers, too. Much appreciated.
I've been singing songs from Legally Blonde: The Musical to cheer myself up.
The beginning of the song just about sums up how I feel right now, but hopefully by the end of the week I'll feel more like this:
The beginning of the song is chopped off, but you get the idea.
Guys, I just want to let you know that I'm being melodramatic. It's fun. I definitely felt and feel those feelings, but I know they'll go away and it will be great. I've already made the choice to have fun and on top of that I've decided to forget about the pressure of making good comments or coming up with truly original and intelligent ideas. That does NOT mean I won't do my work, don't worry. It just means I'm going to focus on the positive from here on out. But not quite like this:
I love you lots and I'll come back soon with much more optimistic updates!
--Christian
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3 comments:
Christian, you are way too hard on yourself.
Do you know that a lot of the kids in your program are feeling exactly the SAME way as you? They're trying not to show it, so you can't tell.
You are incredibly intelligent. Grades don't reflect intelligence, most people know that. Anyone who knows you knows that. You do belong there, even if you don't meet any really great friends. I didn't meet any great friends at my Benson Scholar interviews, even though we were all academically and in every other way in exactly the same boat. But I still belonged there.
I thought your essay was good. I liked your thoughts, and I don't think you should be embarrassed at all.
For what it's worth, I generally can't think of great comments in the middle of a discussion, either. My best thoughts come afterward when I am thinking about things.
Hope tomorrow is better!
Gabrielle, I hope you read the whole post, it was happy at the end!
Christian, your essay from the previous post belies your claim to being inarticulate :). Of course, there's a big difference between being able to write articulately and being able to, well, articulate articulately, and I've been caught in the middle of an embarrassing comment that ended up going nowhere many a time :). I love you--hope the rest of this week goes great.
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